I am currently sitting first-class on a flight to San Diego for an Entrepreneur Live Event with Amy Porterfield, outwardly smiling and enjoying my flight, but internally feeling like I don’t belong. I simply signed up for a course that was being sold and snagged an upgrade to receive this nice first class spot on my flight. I keep asking myself – who am I to be worthy of this upgrade? I’m just a nobody going to an event that I don’t know anything about the content being delivered.
You may wonder why I don’t know anything about the content if I bought the course. Admittedly, the truth is that I didn’t finish the course. It’s a serious problem that I have. I get so excited about the next shiny thing, moving so fast that I never look back long enough to finish the last thing that caught my eye. Completing things is simply not in my wheelhouse at times, as I’m on a vicious cycle of a merry-go-round that leads to never getting anything done. If you can relate to that feeling, I have some good news or you. It’s possible to be successful. That may surprise you. I do have a thriving private counseling practice and a budding online business. You may wonder how someone that struggles to complete tasks is able to be a successful business person. Welp, in reality, I complete just enough to make it work. The problem, though, is that I don’t complete enough to make it SOAR! I see my potential, and feel disappointed that I find struggle in seeing ideas through to the very end.
My brain is always running, always going, constantly moving forward – it never stops. Ideas come to me in droves. Some of my ideas are good, some are not so good. I give each of them thought and effort. I excel at spotting potential problems, and even so, I’ve experienced a lot of failure along the way. The good news is that I am able to stop in my tracks and pivot pretty quickly, and the bad news is that the people around me can’t keep up with my brain’s quick shifts. I often question myself, wondering if I’ve given up and missed an opportunity by jumping off the wave and not sticking it out. I will never know the answer to that question, and that’s something I make peace with.
Flashing back to our present dilemma where I’m sitting in my first class airplane seat, feeling like a total imposter – I notice myself allowing the flood gates to open and touch other areas of my life. Who am I to help others with their marriages when mine has greatly struggled from time to time? Who am I to think that I can succeed with an online business when so many others are way ahead of me and doing it wonderfully? Who am I to think that people would want to listen to anything I say? Am I worthy of being here? Sometimes, it’s hard for me to feel that I deserve to be able to dream as big as others, but my big dreams lead to bigger wants, which lead to even BIGGER ideas on serving others.
At the event, Amy Porterfield had lined up a powerhouse of speakers – Jasmine Starr, Stu McClaren, RACHEL FREAKING HOLLIS, and more. My feelings of inadequacy did not stay on the plane – they followed me. I felt out of my league and undeserving of my place – again, I’m just a nobody, sitting in a room full of these amazing people. I’m trying to blend in as I learn to teach what they teach, how to put it into action, and reaching for the stars. I don’t have the answers. On the outside, I can come off extremely confident, but on the inside, I don’t match. I will externally say that there is no failing, only learning, but on the inside, I feel scared to fail. I am scared to let others down – people count on me for their jobs, clients ask me for help, my kids look up to me, and my husband that only sees the powerhouse – the one getting it done, the one dreaming big and achieving it, the one who doesn’t wonder “who am I?”. I wonder why I did this – why I put myself out there and attempted to be part of this thing with these people – and I am doubting that I am capable. Who the heck am I to do any of this stuff? I’m nobody special. After this training, the expectation is that I go back to work, help others with their marriages, implement what I’ve learned about online businesses, be successful, and teach other counselors how to do it. My self-doubt questions run through my mind, never giving me a real answer.
The only thing I am left to ask is, then, who am I NOT to do it?