Pursuer, Distancer, Break Free

33: Pursuer and Distancer: Understanding the Patterns to Break Free

Do you feel like there is a Grand Canyon between you and your spouse? Do you always fall into the tendency of seeking connection and feeling rejected? If so, you might be in a Pursuer-Distancer pattern, and you don’t even know it!

In this episode, hear Jon and I uncover how we fall into the same Pursuer-Distancer trap and who plays which role. Listen to our unguarded conversation as we own our mistakes, share our crazy thoughts and inclinations, and reveal where the problem really lies.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

  • How the Coronavirus has impacted our family and business
  • How a pursuer and distancer react differently in high stress
  • Why a distancer gets tagged as ‘emotionally unavailable’
  • Why it is difficult for men to show their vulnerable side 
  • Getting from the pursuer-distancer status to “frozen tundra”
  • Blaming the pattern vs. the person

Understanding the Pursuer-Distancer pattern and your part in it is the first step toward breaking out of it. You took the first step today by listening to this podcast episode.

If you are seeing an unhealthy pattern in your marriage and want to learn more about how to communicate with your spouse, I have something for you. Join the 3 Days to Reignite Your Marriage Communication Bootcamp to develop a custom communication blueprint with your spouse based on your communication style. Join in today and Reignite Your Marriage!



Resources Mentioned: 

We have LOTS of resources available for you right now, so be sure to email us at hello@amywine.com, jump on our email list, or follow us on social media. 

Don’t forget to join us live every Tuesday & Thursday from [12:00]-[12:30] CST on the Amy Wine Counseling Center Facebook page for Coffee With a Counselor. 

Amy Wine Counseling Instagram

SPARK: Re-Ignite Your Marriage will be relaunching in May, so make sure to jump on the waitlist. 

Stay tuned for our finance workshop for couples >> Money and Marriage.  This workshop will help you and your spouse quit fighting about your finances and start talking about them!  Now is the perfect time to get on the same page and take forward action to set yourself up for financial success.



“You’re the only one that can fix you.” – Jon

“Anger is like a low boil and it’s bubbling and bubbling and bubbling and eventually it’s going to explode.” – Amy

“It’s the pattern, it’s not the person that’s the problem in the relationship.” – Amy


Other Episodes You Might Enjoy:

The Power of Change, Forgiveness and Rebuilding Trust with Jena Flores

Keeping Your Life In Control In Times of Crisis

Are You Out of Bounds? 7 Ways You May Be Crossing the Line in Your Marriage


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I’m a small-town Oklahoma girl living the big city life in Houston, Texas with even BIGGER dreams. I was an elementary school teacher turned marriage and family therapist with a passion for helping families live their best lives.

About Amy

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Jesus' Daughter, Wife, Mom, CEO, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, High-Performance Business Coach, Podcast Host, & Professional Taco-Eater