Live Authentically. Love deeply. Lead Boldly.

Alright, we’ve made it to the end of this series. You know what assessments are, why ethics matter, and what tools I might pull out. But here’s the thing that keeps me up at night: none of that matters if you don’t know how to make this process work for YOU.

Because here’s the truth bomb—I can have all the fancy assessments in the world, but if you’re just going through the motions? We’re wasting everyone’s time.

You’re Not a Passenger Here

I need to get something off my chest. Too many couples come in thinking therapy is something that happens TO them. Like they’re going to sit back while I wave my therapy wand and fix everything.

Nope. Not how this works.

Hays and Hood (2023) are crystal clear about this—the best outcomes happen when you’re in the driver’s seat. You know why? Because you’re the one living your relationship 24/7. I just visit for an hour a week.

Last week, a woman looked at her assessment results and said, “This says we’re bad at emotional connection, but that doesn’t feel right. We’re super connected—we just show it differently than what this is measuring.”

BOOM. That’s exactly what I’m talking about. She didn’t just accept the results. She pushed back. And you know what? She was right. The assessment was measuring one type of emotional connection, but they had a different type the assessment completely missed.

So How Do You Actually DO This?

Let me get practical here. After we go through your results, here’s what actually helps:

Talk about it at home. But not right away. I had a couple who’d dissect every session in the car ride home, and it always turned into a fight. Now they have a rule: process individually for 24 hours, then talk. Game changer.

Get specific about what bugs you. Don’t just say “the communication part feels off.” Tell me: “It says we avoid conflict, but actually we fight all the time—we just do it passive-aggressively.” Now we’re getting somewhere.

Notice what surprises you. Sometimes the most valuable part isn’t what confirms your suspicions—it’s what makes you go “Huh, I never thought about it that way.” That’s where growth happens.

Challenge me. Seriously. If I’m interpreting something in a way that doesn’t fit, say so. I had a couple recently tell me, “You keep focusing on his withdrawal, but honestly, her pursuit is the bigger issue for us.” They were absolutely right, and it changed our whole approach.

When the Results Hit Hard

Can we talk about the elephant in the room? Sometimes assessment results suck to hear.

I’ve seen couples get results showing low relationship satisfaction and just… deflate. Like all the air goes out of the room. One partner usually starts crying. The other goes silent.

Here’s what I tell them: This is data from ONE moment in time. It’s not a prediction. It’s not a sentence. It’s a snapshot of where you are right now.

I worked with a couple who scored terribly on everything except commitment. You know where they are now? Ridiculously happy. Why? Because that commitment score meant they were both willing to do the work. The low scores just showed us where to focus.

Making It Stick

Look, insights are great. Aha moments feel amazing. But if nothing changes when you leave my office, what’s the point?

Here’s what actually creates change:

Pick ONE thing. After reviewing assessments, couples often want to fix everything at once. Nope. Recipe for failure. Pick one pattern to focus on. Just one.

Make it stupidly specific. Not “communicate better.” More like “When Sarah brings up a problem, Tom will say ‘Tell me more’ instead of immediately offering solutions.” That’s something you can actually DO.

Track it. I know, I know—more homework. But couples who actually notice and celebrate small wins? They’re the ones who make it. Even something as simple as high-fiving when you catch yourselves doing the new thing.

Report back. Tell me what’s working and what’s not. “We tried that thing you suggested and it made everything worse” is incredibly valuable information. Now we can adjust.

The Evolution Part Nobody Mentions

Your relationship is going to change. What works today might not work next year. The assessment we do now might look totally different six months from now. THAT’S NORMAL.

I had a couple recently ask to retake an assessment after a year of therapy. Completely different results. Not because the first one was wrong—they had genuinely changed. Seeing that progress on paper? There were tears. Good tears.

So we stay flexible. We adjust. We recognize that you’re not the same couple who walked in my door, and thank god for that.

My Final Reality Check

Here’s what I want you to take away from all of this:

Assessments are tools. Useful tools, backed by research, that can genuinely help—but still just tools. They’re not magic. They’re not the answer. They’re conversation starters, pattern spotters, progress trackers.

The magic? That’s you. It’s you showing up even when it’s hard. It’s you being brutally honest on a questionnaire even though it’s scary. It’s you trying something new even though the old way is comfortable. It’s you believing your relationship is worth fighting for.

I’m just here with some education, experience, and yes, some assessments. But you’re the ones doing the brave work of changing. Of growing. Of choosing each other over and over again.

So yeah, we’ll use assessments. We’ll look at the data. We’ll identify patterns and track progress. But never forget—you’re not a score. You’re not a category. You’re two complex, messy, beautiful humans trying to build something together.

And that’s pretty damn amazing.

Thank you for trusting me with your story. For being willing to look honestly at your relationship. For showing up even when it’s uncomfortable.

Now let’s get to work.

Because your relationship? It’s worth it.