Live Authentically. Love deeply. Lead Boldly.

Okay, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. When I mention “assessments” in our first session, I see it—that flash of concern. Maybe your shoulders tense up. Maybe you exchange that quick glance with your partner. “Great,” you’re thinking, “we’re being tested.”

I get it. Nobody wants to feel like their relationship is under a microscope. Nobody signed up to be graded on how well they love each other. So let me clear this up right now.

What Are Assessments, Really?

Strip away all the fancy language, and assessments are just… ways of understanding what’s really going on with you two. That’s it. Sometimes it’s a questionnaire. Sometimes it’s me asking you to tell me about your last big disagreement while I pay attention to who interrupts whom. Sometimes it’s drawing your family trees together and watching you both go “ohhhh, so THAT’S where that comes from.”

Hays and Hood (2023) talk about formal versus informal assessments, and honestly? Both have their place. The formal ones—the actual questionnaires—they’ve been tested on thousands of couples. They measure what they say they measure. That’s the reliability and validity stuff, if you care about the technical side.

But the informal stuff? That’s where things get interesting. That’s me noticing how you two negotiate who tells which part of your story. It’s catching that tiny eye roll or the way one of you always touches the other’s arm when things get tense. You can’t capture that in a questionnaire.

But Why Do This At All?

Here’s what breaks my heart: couples come in focused on what’s broken, and they have zero idea what’s actually working. They’re so deep in their struggles, they can’t see their strengths anymore.

Last month, I had a couple discover they were in the 90th percentile for shared values and life goals. They literally had no idea. They’d been so focused on their communication problems, they’d forgotten this fundamental truth: they want the same things out of life. That changes everything about how we approach their communication issues.

Assessments shine a light on the full picture. Not just where it hurts, but where you’re already doing amazing work as a team.

Plus—and this is huge—they help us spot patterns you might not see when you’re in the thick of it. Like the couple who couldn’t figure out why every discussion turned into a major conflict. Turns out, they had completely opposite conflict styles. Once we could name it, we could change it.

How I Actually Use These Things

Let me be super clear: I don’t have some standard protocol where everyone gets Assessment A on week one and Assessment B on week three. That would be like giving everyone the same prescription glasses. Pointless and probably harmful.

Instead, I listen. What brought you in? What’s keeping you up at night? What do you argue about in the car on the way here? Then I think about what might help us understand it better.

Been together 20 years and feel like roommates? We’ll look at emotional connection. Engaged and terrified you’ll end up like your divorced parents? Let’s explore those family patterns. Can’t stop fighting about money? There’s a tool for that.

And honestly? Sometimes the best assessment is just watching you two try to decide where to go for dinner. The whole negotiation, the power dynamics, who gives in, who gets frustrated—it’s all right there.

This Is Personal, Not Clinical

I need you to hear this: your relationship cannot be reduced to numbers on a scale. When we look at any results, it’s not me behind a desk pronouncing judgment. It’s us, sitting together, making sense of what this means for YOUR specific, unique, complicated, beautiful relationship.

I had a couple once look at their results and say, “This doesn’t feel right. It says we don’t support each other, but he literally drove four hours to my mom’s funeral last week.” You know what? They were absolutely right. The assessment caught them at a weird moment. So we talked about that instead—about how stress impacts their connection, about how they show up for each other when it really matters.

Way more useful than any score could ever be.

What I Need From You

Here’s the thing: this only works if you’re in. Really in. That means:

• Be honest. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it’s uncomfortable.
• Be curious. What could we learn here? What patterns might we uncover?
• Speak up. If something feels off, say so. You know your relationship better than any assessment ever could.
• Stay open. Sometimes assessments reveal stuff that’s hard to see. That’s actually when they’re most valuable.

Here’s My Promise

We’re in this together. Any assessment we use, we use as a team. You’re not subjects in my experiment. You’re not case studies. You’re two people who love each other and want things to be better.

The assessments? They’re just tools to help us get there. Nothing more, nothing less.

Next time, we’ll dig into the ethics piece—why your consent matters, how we handle cultural differences, and what happens when an assessment doesn’t fit who you are. Because that stuff? That’s not just paperwork. That’s about respecting you as human beings.

For now, just know this: if we use assessments, it’s because I think they’ll help YOU. Not because I need data. Not because it’s protocol. Because they might shine a light on something that helps you build the relationship you actually want.

And isn’t that why we’re all here?

Next up: “The Ethics Stuff That Actually Matters: Consent, Culture, and Keeping It Real”