Live Authentically. Love deeply. Lead Boldly.

Okay, we need to talk about the ethics piece. I know—”ethics” sounds like something from a boring training manual. But stick with me, because this is actually about something way more important: making sure you feel safe, respected, and totally in control of your therapy experience.

This isn’t just counselor-speak. This is about me giving a damn about you as human beings sitting in my office, trusting me with your relationship.

Let’s Talk Informed Consent (Without the Jargon)

Here’s what drives me crazy: therapists who just shove a form at you and say “sign here.” That’s not informed consent. That’s paperwork.

Real informed consent? That’s us having an actual conversation. According to Hays and Hood (2023), it means I explain—in normal human language—what we’re doing, why we’re doing it, and what you can expect. But more than that, it means you get to ask questions. Challenge me. Say “nope, not comfortable with that.”

I had a couple last month stop me mid-explanation about an assessment. “Wait,” they said, “do we HAVE to do this?” The answer? Of course not. Nothing in my office is mandatory. We talked through their concerns, figured out what felt weird about it, and found a different approach. That’s informed consent in action.

Your comfort level matters more than any assessment tool. Period.

The Culture Piece (This One’s Personal)

Can I be real with you for a second? A lot of assessment tools were created by and for white, middle-class, straight couples. Hays and Hood (2023) are clear about this limitation. So what happens when that’s not your story?

I learned this lesson hard when I was starting out. I gave a couple a standard relationship assessment, and halfway through, one partner looked up and said, “These questions assume our families accept our relationship. What do we put when they don’t?”

Gut punch. They were right.

Now? We talk about this stuff upfront. If you come from a culture where extended family is central to decision-making, we factor that in. If your cultural background means you express emotions differently than what some assessment considers “normal,” we adjust. If the gender assumptions in a questionnaire don’t fit your relationship, we modify or find something better.

Your cultural context isn’t a footnote—it’s the main text. And any assessment we use needs to respect that.

The Stuff That Can Go Wrong (And How We Avoid It)

I’m going to be straight with you about how assessments can be misused, because Hays and Hood (2023) don’t pull punches on this, and neither will I:

The Label Trap: Some therapists see a score and slap a label on you. “Oh, you’re avoidantly attached” or “You have communication deficits.” Nope. You’re complex human beings, not diagnostic categories. We use assessments to understand patterns, not to put you in boxes.

The Doom Spiral: Ever take an online quiz that made your relationship sound doomed? Yeah, that’s what happens when we focus only on problems. I had a couple score low on satisfaction but high on commitment and shared values. Guess what we focused on? The foundation that would help them rebuild satisfaction.

The “Expert” Problem: This is when therapists act like assessment results are gospel truth. But you know what? Sometimes assessments are wrong. You live in your relationship 24/7. I see you for an hour a week. If an assessment says one thing and your lived experience says another, we’re going with your experience.

How We Do This Together

Here’s my promise to you: Any assessment we use, we interpret together. Not me lecturing you about what your scores mean, but us figuring it out as a team.

Last week, I had a couple look at their results and one partner said, “This makes it seem like I don’t care about romance, but I planned our entire anniversary trip.” Boom—important context the assessment missed. We dug into how they show love differently, which was way more useful than any number on a page.

As Hays and Hood (2023) emphasize, collaborative interpretation isn’t just nice—it’s essential. You’re the experts on your relationship. I’m just here with some tools and training to help you see it more clearly.

Real Questions You Might Have

“What if I don’t want to answer certain questions?” Skip them. Seriously. Your boundaries matter more than complete data.

“What if my culture sees therapy differently?” Let’s talk about it. Maybe we adjust our approach. Maybe we discuss how to navigate family opinions. Your cultural values aren’t obstacles—they’re part of who you are.

“What if I think an assessment is biased?” You’re probably right. Tell me. We’ll find something better or adapt what we have.

Bottom Line on Ethics

Look, the ACA gives us all these ethical guidelines, and Hays and Hood (2023) spend chapters on this stuff. But at the end of the day, it boils down to something simple: You deserve to be treated with respect, to understand what’s happening, and to have your culture and values honored.

That’s not just ethics. That’s basic human decency.

Next time, I’ll get into the nitty-gritty of specific tools—what they measure, how they work, and why I might suggest one over another. But remember: every tool we use is in service of understanding and supporting YOUR unique relationship.

Because that’s what this is all about. Not the assessments. Not the scores. You.

Next up: “The Tools in My Toolkit: What I Really Use and Why”