Have you ever just woken up from a dream that left you feeling vulnerable and out of sorts? Not even remembering the details of the dream, but tried to shake it off as just a dream, yet it won’t release from your body? Then the rest of the day you feel out of sorts, vulnerable, a bit nervous, and everything starts to spiral, yet there is really no reason for it?
That is me today, I am feeling lost, unfocused, a tad unworthy and imposter’s syndrome is creeping in. Gone is the quiet confidence I had yesterday that while I don’t know everything about online courses, marketing, podcasts, (basically all the new ventures I am currently working on), that it is okay to be simultaneously learning and taking action, learning and failing, learning and…. Yesterday, I knew that I could do whatever takes to succeed in these new arenas and was okay with failure.
Today, after a silly, stupid dream, (that I don’t even remember), the confidence has eroded. Today, I’m wondering, who am I to try all these things when there are already others out there doing it, doing it very well, and perhaps a lot better than I ever will? Who am I, that anyone would even want to listen to me? Who am I to think strangers would be able to learn from me? Who I am to think I can provide value that anyone would find the content worthy to listen to, implement, and share?
Today, it doesn’t matter the knowledge I have to share about having a marriage on fire or that I saw a lot of progress in 1:1 counseling with couples just yesterday. It doesn’t matter that others have told me they have received value or “you saved our marriage.” Today, my body and brain can’t seem to grasp on and feel or hear any of those things. Today, I am letting these swirling thoughts to limit me, to make me not courageous, to hold me back and not show up…. I know these are fraudulent feelings, yet I can’t seem to stop the feeling in my body.
The anxiety has not creeped back in slowly, it has come in like a tornado, roaring and spiraling all around me. I can’t seem to get a handle on it, today! But the difference is, tomorrow…. Tomorrow, I will get back up, find the quiet confidence, go out and try again. Tomorrow, I will stand up and put myself back out there. Then maybe, just maybe, one person will find value and have their lives changed by something I shared.
But, for the rest of today, I’m going to withdraw. I’m going to reset myself doing things that bring me a peaceful calm. I will be sitting outside drawing on the strength of nature, diving into God’s word, listening to the birds, the waterfall. Oh and I will probably take a bubble bath and eat tacos!
October 23, 2019
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